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As omnipresent kiosk hawkers bleated about their as-seen-on-TV wares, I was reminded of a kid in the Philippines who once endeavored to sell me a hat, a pair of sunglasses, and a flower-sack shirt. He offered a great selection and I was in the market for trinkets, so I was inclined to listen to his sales pitch. I bought all sorts of souvenirs from that kid because I liked the way he yelled, “Remember me…from your hotel?!” Of course, a very favorable dollar-to-peso exchange rate may have played a factor, as well. Sadly, Mrs. Hippo never really appreciated the San Miguel hat I bought for her.
That kid was onto something that Americans are just starting to learn, though. You need to make eye contact and build a relationship to make a sale. I noticed several attempts to make eye contact with me yesterday at the shopping mall, but as I have spent far more than my fair share of time in the third world, only an advanced vendor ever catches my eye for a sales pitch. No eye contact. No relationship. No sale.
I did listen to a sales pitch recently, but that guy didn’t actually catch my eye. I was too savvy for that, but the local number on my caller ID box did manage to short circuit my defenses. I was caught off guard, so a fire department guy was able to ask me to save the poor burned children by going to a country music concert. He said several kids are burned every day and they all need my help. This sounded very tragic, indeed, and I started to feel sad before my mean inner hippo spoke up: wouldn’t the poor burned children be better off if I were to give them all the money and leave the concert promoters and the guy doing the calling off the payroll? I may be the most insensitive hippo in the world because I said I wasn’t going to give those poor burned children any money. Please don’t hate me if I don’t want to pay the overhead for professional fundraisers that leave the charity with only a small portion of the take.
I guess that is why I like the guy who begs beside the road. At least if you give to that guy, you know it is all going to the intended recipient. Although Oliver Twist and the Artful Dodger may have had to pay off their Fagin, I think we can safely assume the roadside beggars in this area are independents.
You may have noticed a new sort of e-criminal around lately. Several people have called recently to inform me that I have almost certainly won a Lincoln Navigator. They are persistent, but I remain unconvinced by their recorded messages. It is almost as if they are sending that recording out to a bunch of people in the hopes of finding an idiot or two.
Today, Mrs. Maureen Johnson, a widow of 73 years who happens to suffer from cancer “of the esophageal,” e-mailed me a solicitation of sorts. It turns out that prayer led Mrs. Johnson to offer me $3.9 million dollars for doing God’s work. Sadly, she was only able to come up with my e-mail address and could not discern my name in the message she received from her higher ups, so I am left to question the veracity of her claims of divine guidance.
Although all these people offered to fill my needs in some way or another, I suppose I have become just too cynical. I don’t believe the people at the mall really care about my needs at all. I think they may just want my money. The guy who called about those poor burned kids may have a personal motive of gain, as well, and I suspect Mrs. Johnson’s offer of $3.9 million dollars could have a few strings attached, too.
At the end of the day, I’ve begun to question offers that seem to be too good to be true, and I look askance at people who say they are only interested in my needs. Perhaps I am too cynical, but I think those people just want my money.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
I own an iPad, an iMac, an iPhone, a Kindle, and an HP laptop. Since I can’t help but compare them to one another, I suppose I should jot down a few observations for my hippo fan base. The iPad is the newest horse in the stable, so I’ll use it as the central point of reference throughout this article.
The iPad beats the iPhone in many ways:
1) The display is much larger. I can actually see what I’m typing, and the on-screen keys are big enough to accommodate my fat fingers. The larger display is also great for movies and television shows. I’ve streamed Netflix to it, and I was happily impressed with the quality.
2) The battery appears to be light years ahead. I routinely use the iPad all day before recharging. The iPhone is an all day phone, but if you tinker with it all day, the battery will drain before sundown.
3) The iPad’s built-in speakers are pretty good. Headsets still sound best, but the speakers will do. On the iPhone, the built in speaker is not a viable alternative.
The iPhone takes the lead in several other areas:
1) The iPhone fits in a pocket, which cannot be said of the iPad.
2) The iPhone makes phone calls, which the iPad cannot do. The iPad might Skype soon.
3) The iPhone takes photos and videos; the iPad cannot.
4) The iPhone connects via 3G or Wifi, while my iPad is WiFi only.
5) The iPhone is a better platform for Doodle jump due to its smaller size.
The iPad compares favorably to the iMac and the HP laptop in a couple of important areas:
1) Applications for the iPad are inexpensive and vetted to some extent by the Apple App Store. Sure you can find a bunch of cheap or free utilities or games for regular computers, but installation is more of a project and viruses and malware seem to me to be more of a concern. The app store generates confidence so I worry less about the possibility of a worm that might wipe out my machine or my network while infecting all my friends. This is a big benefit.
2) The iPad is smaller than the desktop iMac or the laptop HP. You can take it with you with little effort. There is no need for a mouse and the battery is so good that you don’t need to worry with cords. Plus, if you were to bring the charging cord it is small and has none of the transformer heft of the laptop’s charger. The iMac is decidedly not mobile.
3) The iPad caches a lot of information, so when you are out of WiFi range, you can still browse available content via custom applications. For example, if I go to WSJ.com on the laptop, I may still read a page or two when I’m offline, but the WSF iPad applilcation caches all the content as of the last time it was opened. It is a neat feature. I have free apps for USA Today, WSJ, and NY Times, and they all work great!
But the “real” computers hold their own in other areas:
1) Anything that requires heavy typing, like blogging, is best done on a real keyboard. There is a keyboard option for the iPad, but I don’t have it, and I’m not sure a keyboard wouldn’t defeat the purpose.
2) Applications management is better on a computer that allows you to place things in folders. This is coming for OS 4, which will be available for iPhone in the summer and iPad in the fall.
3) If you simply must have Flash support, the iPad is not for you, but I’ve noticed iPad apps handling video without flash, so I don’t miss it most of the time.
Comparing the iPad to the Kindle is a bit of an unfair comparison because the iPad is so much more than a book reader, but I will compare a few areas:
1) Reading in low light is an iPad win. Reading in bright light is a Kindle win. Since I have both, I just need to trade with Mrs. Hippo whenever the conditions change.
2) Reading newspapers is better on the iPad. Bigger, more colorful screens allow more of a newspaper experience, and I’ve found I am actually reading the paper more than the book reader functions on either device.
3) I use the Kindle reader application on both the Kindle and the iPad. Amazon has done a great job of making their reader available on multiple devices, and I can actually read the same book on the Kindle, the laptop, the iPhone or the iPad. I haven’t downloaded a reader for the iMac, but I suppose there is one. The iPad book reader application looks nice, but I’m an Amazon shopper, and all my e-books are in the Kindle database, so I see no need to switch unless content becomes an issue. I will buy from Apple if Amazon doesn’t carry the title.
4) The battery is a draw, sort of…I’ve found the Kindle battery will last forever if you turn off the wireless feature. As a result, I only switch to wireless to download new books. The iPad stays connected all the time (while near a WiFi hotspot) and it does not seem to hurt its battery. Of course, with the Kindle off line, the battery is not a concern at all. It will last for weeks. The iPad in any mode will last a day, but not a week.
Overall, I’d have to say I love the iPad. It is convenient and fun to use. It does well what it does, and makes no pretentions in other areas. It doesn’t make calls or take pictures, but my camera doesn’t make calls either. The iPhone does both, but it is small and doesn’t do laundry. What’s up with that?
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
I know I created an escalation of our cold war when I disabled comments on your favorite SPAM target, but I think your scatter gun barrage of 44 SPAMs in 1 day was way over the top! Don’t you understand the concept of incremental escalation?! I take a small step, you are supposed to take A SMALL STEP! Now, you’ve forced me to disable all comments on all articles after 14 days. This of course, will restrict you to a few newer targets. Let’s see how you like that? Also, I can lower that number if I need to do so. Trust me…If you hit me 44 more times tomorrow, the ratcheting sounds you hear will the ruination of all posting without logging in. Now, you wouldn’t want that would you? Please. Don’t ruin it for everybody!
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
Congratulations, Russian Spammers! I give up! Uncle!
If your continuous onslaught of SPAM was intended to get a response, here you have it. I have just disabled comments on the venerable Hippo Bone Hair Sticks article. I know how you have loved attaching your advertisements to it, so this must be a sad day in Russia. You have attempted to hawk all manner of offensive products, using the power of the comment button, but the ride is over. I cannot continue to sort through your drivel every day. I am a busy hippo!
When a post’s comments begin to approach a dozen a day from random Russian IP addresses, I suppose it must be time to do something about it. It has not been all bad, though. The degree of gibberish in those “comments” has provided me with hours of entertainment. While I click the “mark as SPAM” button, I have often thought of the machine that must certainly be behind so many poorly written vehicles for Cialis ads.
I’m nearly certain my HBHS post is on some Russian SPAM-this-site page. I have looked for the source, but it is more elusive than the Holy Grail. I found the home of world peace, Atlantis, and the fountain of youth along the way, but I never did find the source of all that SPAM. I don’t know how they do it, but do it they do. They are committed to hitting that page. Well, they were. Not any more!
No longer will our Hippo Bone Hair Sticks post be beleaguered by Russian and Russian-English platitudes with the objective of finding a platform for a hidden link. Hippo Bone Hair Sticks is officially closed to new comments. It saddens me to think of all of you honest readers out there, who have been carefully crafting responses to that post, lo these many months. No doubt, you were just about ready to finally post your perfectly crafted, insightful comments on that classic posting. I am sorry, but this will not be possible. The Russians have ruined it for everyone.
I wonder which post will become the new SPAM target.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
If I were in charge of the Olympics, things would be different!
For one thing, figure skating would be a head-to-head competition. Olympians would skate against each other and the clock. They could each set their own music and tempo, but both songs would blare against each other as they skated. Fans could buy special Mister Hippo earplugs to watch the event, which would otherwise be unbearable due to the ever increasing volumes between the teams. Allowing them to skate on the same ice, at the same time, using the exact same routine would speed things up wonderfully, but there would still be artistic/style points because everyone knows fast art is good art.
Some events would be forced participation from the population at large. None of this hand picking volunteers for no-skill events. For example, the bobsled and the luge would be for untrained amateurs. Each international team would get to pick the competitors for one other team, drawn at random. A few weeks before the event, they’d find a pack of fat slobs, drag them to the top of the hills, and push them down. First one down wins! Tell me you wouldn’t watch that!
I sort of like the biathalon as it is, but I’d give the skiers paintball guns instead of those things they have now. This would free them up to shoot each other in the face. Once a competitor can no longer see, it becomes much more challenging for him to ski and shoot straight. Tell me you wouldn’t watch.
What about that sweeping the ice thing? Shouldn’t that just be random recruits from the stands? I think that would be a lot better and more fun to watch. Just get someone who looks like he knows how to mop a floor and stick him out there. Again, the other team gets to pick your competitors, so it might make sense to include a few plants in the audience. I like the idea of a bunch of Spy-Vs.-Spy activity where each side is trying to guess what the other side is going to do.
I might add a few other competitions, as well. In times like these, where the snow is mostly slush, I’d have slush stomping, which would most certainly be a crowd pleaser. I’d leave the speed skaters alone—except I’d eliminate all the interference rules. I’d also leave mogul skiing alone. That seems just about perfect to me already. Those girls sure can make their knees jump, can’t they?
The Olympics are pretty good, but I would have to make a few of these changes if I were in charge.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
The PaceMaster Platinum Pro VR is sold as a runner’s treadmill. Although it is a consumer model, it does not fold and it is heavy enough to soak up running footfalls without bouncing all over the place. After one week on the machine, it has become the central tool in my new mile-or-more-a-day fitness plan. This will be a first look because I have not put the treadmill through all of its paces, yet.
The total package is rather heavy at 239 pounds. The guys from the store took it out of the box and hauled it up the stairs in parts. Even then, the bed and belt assembly was heavy enough to require a rest stop halfway up. I took the opportunity to ask if was heavy enough for them. They felt it was plenty heavy enough, indeed. Eventually, they pushed and pulled the thing up to its second floor home.
Assembly and adjustment of the belt took the pros less than 30 minutes, so I was logging my first mile in no time, flat. I supervised the assembly, and it was not complicated. Except for the heavy lifting, I could have set this thing up myself without much difficulty. The setup instructions in the manual are clear.
Despite the fact that the installers adjusted and centered the belt, I found it necessary to adjust it again prior to my second run. It had tracked over to one side during my first run, so I just needed to re-center it. This was easier than I expected. I just tightened one bolt a quarter turn with the supplied Allen wrench and it moved right back to where it was supposed to be.
Electronics are a big part of a treadmill’s cost. As consoles become fancier and program options proliferate, prices move up quickly. I like the programs on this treadmill. It has integrated heart rate monitoring, which works well with the included–but cheap and uncomfortable–Polar chest strap. I replaced the cheap strap with another Polar chest strap which is much more comfortable. There was no setup or synching required. The machine recognizes either strap. It does not recognize the Garmin straps from my Foot Pod and GPS watches.
I’ve tried manual, cardio, personal trainer, and virtual courses. I have not tried the fat burn. I like the virtual course best of the options I’ve sampled. It somewhat naturally changes the incline and allows manual adjustments to the speeds. I like to be able to tweak the speed up or down as the mood strikes me. The personal trainer option I chose was too easy and insisted on a fairly slow speed.
Overall, my impression of the treadmill is positive. I like the controls, the program options, the integrated heart rate monitoring and the stable feel. I do have one minor quibble. With the incline at level 1 or 2, the front of the machine can feel a bit wish-washy. I’m not yet sure if it is something to worry about. I will keep an eye on it, and let you know if it becomes more of a concern. Happy running!
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
Once a week, I lug our giant blue trash can to the curb. Once it has been professionally emptied, Mrs. Hippo lugs the empty can back to our house. That is our arrangement. Previously, I lugged it both ways, but my help mate wanted to participate, so she started handling the “come from” part of the process. This week, Mrs. Hippo broke with tradition. She didn’t wait for the crucial emptying part before pulling the still full can back to its regular spot. As you might expect, it fell to me to rectify this situation. With a mild grimace and no thought whatsoever for my own sanity, I pulled that can up the hill for a second time.
As you might have observed, my helper wasn’t really much help with this week’s garbage. In fact, I could go one step further to make the case that this particular “help” actually created more work for me. As I’ve long suspected, help is a mixed bag.
When someone helps, they have a tendency to do things their way. “Particular” people might be tempted to refuse offers of help, but I think that would be a mistake. As I look around my house, I see all the things I would change if I had no help mate. I would do the dishes a different way. I’d put the laundry hamper in a different spot. I’d throw those hair curlers in the trash before pulling them to the curb.
But when I imagine that perfectly arranged house, it seems sad and quiet and lonely. I don’t want a perfect bachelor pad at those prices. There is an upside to having a helper anyway. Companionship and conversation, love and affection, give and take—they are all at our beck and call when we choose to have a friend.
I don’t mind if my helper pulls the trash the wrong way once in a while. I can live with the hairballs in the sink and brushes on the counter. It may not be for everyone, but when I think about it carefully, I realize I don’t mind those things at all. I think I’ll keep Mrs. Hippo.
I hope she gets me something nice for Christmas.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
Since it may not be entirely obvious based on the title, let me clarify for the record: This post is about the movie “Funny People” starring Adam Sandler. If you don’t want to learn more about this movie, STOP READING NOW!
Those looking for laughs should probably skip this movie. It isn’t all that funny. The movie does include a joke here or there, but it focuses more on the lives of comedians than on their stand up routines. They fret over various challenges, but to my mind, they struggle most when they pursue acceptance and approval from those closest to them.
As in life, there is a superficial quality to many of the relationships in the movie. The comics effectively spin themselves up for performances, but the rest of their lives struggle to match that emotional high. Adam Sandler’s character is famous, and as a result, he can afford to purchase a thin veneer of happiness for his life. Only when Adam is told he is unlikely to live through a recently diagnosed illness does he begin to recognize how shallow the water of his life has become. The store-bought veneer is no longer able to obscure an ugliness that hides just below the surface.
A search for meaning leads to efforts to rekindle old relationships. The prospect of death diminishes the happiness previously found in consumer pleasures, and Adam is driven to find something deeper. With the end looming ever nearer, he turns to love, and appears to be making a heavy handed go of it until he unexpectedly gets a clean bill of health. In short order, Adam relinquishes the gains he made during his health scare. Like a pearl diver who runs out of air, he leaves his pursuit of depth and swims for the shallows. Sadly, Adam’s return to the sea level of his life comes before he finds a pearl.
And isn’t that just the way of things. When we are young and healthy, we think of nothing but ways to fritter away our days. We care little about deeper meanings or more meaningful relationships when times are good. But just let the bottom fall out of things and watch us correct our course. All of a sudden, we are seekers of the pearl, but we’ve wasted so much time. Our air is running out. We should have sought a true treasure while the seeking was good.
Sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we have time to correct things. Adam’s character in this movie assumes he will have more time, so he doesn’t look in earnest until it is too late. There is a glimmer of hope at the end when he makes overtures toward a friendship that matters. Perhaps there is a chance that this health scare has really changed our star after all.
Sometimes a health scare or a near miss can help us to catch a glimpse of our mortality. Such a gift, yet we look at it as we do so many real world gifts. That was not what we wanted at all! Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want, however, and those can be the greatest gifts of all.
In this holiday season, let’s focus on improving relationships. Let’s wipe away the veneer and see what is beneath. I’m pretty sure true happiness requires a deeper look.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
The postman brought some new plastic to our house this week. We are plastic-loving hippos. We prefer plastic to paper the vast majority of the time. Gas, groceries, and video games are all good reasons to pull out a slab of plastic and swipe it through a card reader. We’re shameless over-swipers. Don’t tell anybody, but Mrs. Hippo is also a shameless over-“wiper.”
I’ve become something of an expert at swiping cards and answering the inane questions the machines like to ask me. I often give Mrs. Hippo advice on which buttons to push, but she doesn’t appreciate the help. Some gas stations like to ask extra questions about car washes and such. I don’t like those stations, so I usually go elsewhere. Not only am I too busy to walk in and pay for my gas, I also don’t have time to answer stupid questions when I’m trying to pump my gas. I am a very busy hippo.
Even though, I am plastic all the way, I still like to make the machine print a paper receipt. I don’t need it, really, but if anyone ever accuses me of not paying, I want proof that I paid for the gas. That paper is my exit slip. Plus, I like killing a tree or two. An industry depends on it, and when you’re pro plastic, you don’t want to feign too much “green.” It upsets the natural order of things and the pollsters don’t know what to think.
Until now, the convenience of plastic has come with some risks. We’ve been using debit cards, you see, and those sort of place our bank account at risk. If our card strips were to get ripped off, for example, we could be penniless in a hurry. As a result, we’ve gone the AMEX route. We loves us some AMEX! AMEX is interest free since they don’t play that revolving credit game and they are there to protect us if there is an issue with our card.
You might wonder how that differs from a debit card. I’m glad you asked. Basically, there are four choices when it comes to spending:
Cash. Good luck hauling around enough actual wampum to avoid running out at a crucial juncture while eluding the various mashers who call your neighborhood home.
Debit Cards: As I see it, debit cards are too risky because your actual money could be stolen if someone hacks into the account. They are good because you only spend money you already have, but that flat broke thing is a concern. Sure, your bank may pay you back if charges are found to be fraudulent, but while they’re working on it, that empty account is your problem. Also, debit transactions lock up funds and make it challenging to figure out what you have available to spend. Don’t get me started on that.
Credit Cards: These protect you from fraudulent purchases, but there is always the temptation to carry a balance. It is easy to incur interest when you spend on credit cards. They encourage it. That is how they get their money. (Interest + swipe fees = bank revenues.)
AMEX: You don’t carry a balance because you can’t, and you get all the protection of a credit card. If you refute charges, you don’t pay until the matter is settled. Your real money stays safely stashed in your mattress! AMEX makes money because they still earn swipe fees and you pay an annual administrate fee for the card. That fee can be much lower than the interest paid on a real “credit” card.
So paper or plastic is a choice we all make every day. If you’re considering plastic, you might want to consider the pros and cons of each type before making your decision.
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
