Birthday Dreams
I have everything a hippo could ever need, so it is usually a struggle for friends and family to find creative presents that will appropriately recognize the day of my birth. Of course, I have a few thoughts on the matter of a perfect birthday.
On my perfect day, someone would have cleared away all the clutter from the bathroom vanity. I would crawl out of bed and hobble to the bathroom only to be shocked by the starkness of the room. Curling irons, hair rollers, combs, brushes, make up and even dental floss would all have been swept away. I would brush my teeth with my electric toothbrush, which would have been left plugged up as the only item on the countertop. After a fully-charged tooth brushing experience, I would notice the floor. There would no dirty clothes, no old towels, and no shoes. In fact, the only thing on the floor would be a giant pack of toilet paper rolls for me to use as a desk for my iPad. The toilet paper dispenser would have a full roll of paper with the over-the-top feed I prefer, and the trash can would be completely empty.
At this point, I would be really intrigued by such a wonderful chain of positive improvements, but I would be greedy for more. A quick inspection of the shower would reveal that someone had replaced the shower curtain with one that hasn’t busted out a bunch of the hanger holes, and the stupid flower hangers that never worked would have been replaced by some sort of fancy nickel plated ball bearing devices that really work. Wow! Watch that curtain slide! Is that a new rod?! I think it is!
I need to catch my breath because I need to report a robbery and I want to sound calm. “Mrs. Hippo! Get in here! We’ve been robbed!” Of course, she’d come running since it would be my birthday, and all. Upon arrival, she would hurriedly ask about the theft, and I would tell her that someone had stolen the hairball from our drain. And then we’d laugh and laugh. Ahh…Good times!
After showering, I’d move to my closet to find that all the normal hippo sizes would have been discarded from the racks. In their place, I would find only the extra large sizes I can wear comfortably. I would select a pair of pants and they would fit without any shallow breathing or pulled muscles. The pile of clothes in front of my underwear drawer would be gone somewhere and I would find a drawer completely full of my favorite underwear. I get my underwear at Target, by the way. Tee shirts and socks would also be easily acquired from similarly full drawers. My shirts would all be meticulously ironed – even if I decided to wear a tee shirt. Wrinkles would not sully my perfect day.
In the kitchen, the sink would be devoid of dirty dishes and the dishwasher would be empty. All the dishes would wait in the proper places. I would open the junk drawer and I would find my old Zippo lighter and the missing pineapple corer. By this time, I’d be getting a warm feeling deep down inside.
Of course, the dogs would have been to the groomer, so they wouldn’t stink and there would be no basset hair on the floor under the table. But it wouldn’t really matter since we’d kick them out back into the nicely manicured lawn. Someone has even cleared the edges and the bushes! Let’s head off to breakfast. I think I’ll order the pancake breakfast at IHOP. Sausage or bacon? Why, yes. I think I’ll have both!
After breakfast, I would logon to XBOX live and set a new high score for Geometry Wars 2 Pacifism and then I’d call Hippo Junior to tell him I’d toppled his score. Of course, he would wail and cry while I pretended not to be happy about kicking him to second place on the high scores list. Dave would logon to see my new stratospheric score and he would cry, as well, over his new third place standing. Ahhhh…
Then I’d open my presents. New highway pegs? Really?! You shouldn’t have! A backrest, too! I love you, Mrs. Hippo! Please tell me you didn’t also buy those dash pouches I’ve been wanting. You did?! This is really turning out to be a perfect birthday!
Well, a hippo can dream, can’t he?
Sincerely,
Mister Hippo
