Simply Hippo

Mister Hippo’s Olympics

If I were in charge of the Olympics, things would be different!

For one thing, figure skating would be a head-to-head competition.  Olympians would skate against each other and the clock.  They could each set their own music and tempo, but both songs would blare against each other as they skated.  Fans could buy special Mister Hippo earplugs to watch the event, which would otherwise be unbearable due to the ever increasing volumes between the teams.  Allowing them to skate on the same ice, at the same time, using the exact same routine would speed things up wonderfully, but there would still be artistic/style points because everyone knows fast art is good art.

Some events would be forced participation from the population at large.  None of this hand picking volunteers for no-skill events.  For example, the bobsled and the luge would be for untrained amateurs.  Each international team would get to pick the competitors for one other team, drawn at random.  A few weeks before the event, they’d find a pack of fat slobs, drag them to the top of the hills, and push them down.  First one down wins!  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that!

I sort of like the biathalon as it is, but I’d give the skiers paintball guns instead of those things they have now.  This would free them up to shoot each other in the face.  Once a competitor can no longer see, it becomes much more challenging for him to ski and shoot straight.  Tell me you wouldn’t watch.

What about that sweeping the ice thing?  Shouldn’t that just be random recruits from the stands?  I think that would be a lot better and more fun to watch.  Just get someone who looks like he knows how to mop a floor and stick him out there.  Again, the other team gets to pick your competitors, so it might make sense to include a few plants in the audience.  I like the idea of a bunch of Spy-Vs.-Spy activity where each side is trying to guess what the other side is going to do.

I might add a few other competitions, as well.  In times like these, where the snow is mostly slush, I’d have slush stomping, which would most certainly be a crowd pleaser.  I’d leave the speed skaters alone—except I’d eliminate all the interference rules.  I’d also leave mogul skiing alone.  That seems just about perfect to me already.  Those girls sure can make their knees jump, can’t they?

The Olympics are pretty good, but I would have to make a few of these changes if I were in charge.

Sincerely,

Mister Hippo